This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize