When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
