If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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