We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
