the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
