you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My breasts were aching with rage.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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