thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
