i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
