I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
