OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
