I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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