I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
