There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
