No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
