a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
