my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Damn victory sex feels great
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
