Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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