The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
