When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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