My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
