I smell stomach acid.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
