Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
