i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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