it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
