Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
