This is not my ceiling
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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