Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
