for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
only you would photoshop your dick
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
