on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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