i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
