so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
