So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
