so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
