Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
