Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
