Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
