Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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