dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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