um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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