dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
