Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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