This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
