you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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