In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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