recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize