OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can text with my tongue
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
