My liver just broke up with me...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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