I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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