This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize