One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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