just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
