My friends, they love my intelligence
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
