i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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