Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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