Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
