we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need a beard to bite.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
