Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
