I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
