We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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