I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
pop tarts are not kleenex
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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