I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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