I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
