The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
